Dear little girl,
I have to be honest with you. Sometimes -- a lot of times -- I feel that I will be woefully inept when it comes to parenting. Of course I have no experience with it thus far, so I can't reasonably expect to feel completely ready when I don't truly know what's ahead, and there's a first time for everyone. Still, when it comes to you, there are so many things that I fear.
My fears go beyond pushing you out into the world. As delivery inches closer, I do harbor a certain amount of apprehension (10 centimeters never seemed so huge in my life!) but I have much more towards the things that will unfold afterwards.
A father of three whose counsel I respect deeply told me two things that he had learned about parenting: 1) I must be able to release my own expectations of the type of person you will be and 2) I cannot protect you from everything.
I have so many hopes and dreams for you, little girl, and it's hard not to let them turn into subconscious expectations. It's hard not to think of who I am, and who your daddy is, and hope that you'll somehow embody our best traits. But I vow to love you for who you are, if you are lovable and when you are not. I want to help you learn and become the person God wants for you to be, even and especially if that is someone different than who I might naively expect you to be.
I will not be a perfect mommy, but I want to be one that has faith and humility to admit when I'm not. I want to be a mommy who tries her best to nurture and protect, but realizes when human capacity is reached and trusts God for things only He can control... and even for those things I think I can control.
Because of you, I want to be a better person.
Saw an old guy today
Staring long at a chess game
Looked like it was half-played
Then his tear splashed between
The bishop and the king...oh
He turned his face to mine
I saw the Question in his eyes
I shrugged him half a smile and walked away
It made me sad, and it made me think
And now it makes me sing what I believe
Heard a young girl sing a song
To her daughter in her pale arms
Walkin' through a rainstorm
“Because you're here my little girl
It's gonna be a better world'...oh
She turned her face to mine
I saw the Answer in her eyes
I shrugged her half a smile and walked away
It made me smile, and it made me think
And now it makes me sing what I believe
It was love that set our fragile planet rolling
Tilting at our perfect twenty-three
Molecules and men infused with holy
Finding our way around the galaxy
And Paradise has up and flown away for now
But hope still breathes and truth is always true
And just when we think it's almost over
Love has the final move
Love has the final move
Chris Rice - The Final Move
9.22.2009
9.13.2009
There You Are
Ah, the gratuitous belly shot. It's rather sad, but these are the first actual shots we've taken of my growing abdomen, our only pictures of how you've affected my appearance thus far.
20 weeks
Your daddy and I are woefully not in the habit of documenting life's happenings with photos. At first we blamed it upon the lack of a good camera. "If we had something like a [insert camera brand and model # here], we'd take tons of pictures!" we'd say to each other. But last year your daddy bought me a very nice and expensive camera (which, sadly, by the time you are old enough to read and comprehend this, will probably be termed "vintage" ... but such is the transience of technology) and we still haven't really gotten in the habit of bringing it with us on our adventures, much less using it. In the end we admit it's mostly just us; perhaps we are forgetful, apathetic or just plain lazy when it comes to pictures. Though, I don't know a better reason to reverse our poor habits than your impending arrival!
Love you, little girl.
Your daddy and I are woefully not in the habit of documenting life's happenings with photos. At first we blamed it upon the lack of a good camera. "If we had something like a [insert camera brand and model # here], we'd take tons of pictures!" we'd say to each other. But last year your daddy bought me a very nice and expensive camera (which, sadly, by the time you are old enough to read and comprehend this, will probably be termed "vintage" ... but such is the transience of technology) and we still haven't really gotten in the habit of bringing it with us on our adventures, much less using it. In the end we admit it's mostly just us; perhaps we are forgetful, apathetic or just plain lazy when it comes to pictures. Though, I don't know a better reason to reverse our poor habits than your impending arrival!
9.08.2009
20 Weeks In...
... and our home has just begun to feel the exciting growing pains of your coming. This weekend was a long one and we were able to move stuff out of the guest room to begin its transformation into the room that will be yours! Granted, the "move stuff" part was a lot more difficult for your dad than for me, since he did all the work!
After an experience in the family room, where your dad and I pushed and pulled furniture around in endless combinations with no real plan in mind, I knew we'd have to be a little more methodical when planning out your room. So, we measured it out and I put those measurements into Illustrator along with various dimensions of furniture we've been eyeing, and voila! This is what your room may look like come January, though I think you'll probably not enjoy all the aspects of it til many months later...
The colors I've chosen are not the typical girl-nursery ones, but I'm confident the room will be quite pretty and feminine regardless, due to the patterns of some of the fabric swatches I'm basing the palette off of and using in the room. I've pretty much raised a white flag when it comes to you the issue of you wearing pink, ruffly clothing since it seems like that comprises most of what's out there in infant girl fashion, but no purply-pink, glittery princess room for you. At least for now. If you beg me for it when you're four, I'll probaby cave and let you have it if you're very, very good. :)
After an experience in the family room, where your dad and I pushed and pulled furniture around in endless combinations with no real plan in mind, I knew we'd have to be a little more methodical when planning out your room. So, we measured it out and I put those measurements into Illustrator along with various dimensions of furniture we've been eyeing, and voila! This is what your room may look like come January, though I think you'll probably not enjoy all the aspects of it til many months later...
[Click to enlarge]
9.03.2009
The Story of Bear-Bear
Dear little girl,
Soon after you enter the big world and come home with us, one of the first of your belongings that you'll get to see is Bear-Bear. He doesn't have a name yet because we wonder what you'll call him yourself -- and if unoriginal "Bear-Bear" happens to stick, so be it. He is squishy and huggable and we hope he'll be a little comfort to you sometimes. And does he have a story!
I first saw Bear-Bear (or at least one of his siblings) at Babies R Us when I was shopping for supplies to make a diaper cake for my dear friend's baby early this year. You were just a distant dream, of course, but I fell in love with Bear-Bear when I first picked him up. Pure, undyed cotton velour and no small parts to fall off or get banged up, a smushy sort of texture and the cutest little stitched-on smile, a plump belly and a "Hug Me" tag above his tail -- who wouldn't love him? I bought him for the diaper cake topper along with some matching accessories and vowed that one day I'd get one for my own baby.
We'd seen Bear-Bear a couple more times while at BRU to get gifts for others, so I knew he was still around. At your 18-week mark, your daddy and I had still not purchased a single baby-related item for you, but decided that it was time to start at least thinking about things and preparing. I decided I would finally allow myself to go out and get Bear-Bear. When we went to the store where we'd seen him just a couple of weeks prior, I was dismayed to find the shelf empty and the price tag turned red with a new lowered price. My heart sank as the cashier confirmed that he'd been put on clearance and there were no more left. It didn't occur to me to inquire then, but later I did call around all the BRUs in the whole area to see if any of them had any Bear-Bears left. No luck!
After all the calling, I turned to the internet. BRU of course had taken it off their site, but I was soon able to discover that Bear-Bear was from a UK-based company and was only distributed in the States via BRU. The UK site didn't seem to ship directly to consumers and I spent a while searching the web for a UK site that would. I finally succeeded in ordering Bear-Bear from a company that had him in stock and shipped to the States, added a couple more cheap items to the basket to make shipping a little more worthwhile, and enjoyed a triumphant feeling for a good week or so... until I received a notice that the company had unfortunately ran out of the bear, removed him from my order and went ahead and shipped the rest. :( What?!
The UK site got a slightly disgruntled note from your mommy, and the parent company got an inquiry to see if maybe, just maybe, they might send to individual consumers in the States... but the saga was not to end this way. We headed to BRU today to check out prices for some different items and just get some ideas. I was comparing specs on infant car seats and noting prices (I hope the Chicco Keyfit 30 will be agreeable to you, dear, because that's probably what we'll get) when your daddy walked excitedly up to me and pushed into my arms... a plump little Bear-Bear. They must have found some more of him in the back and put them back up on the shelf.
The delight I had to finally get Bear-Bear for you is truly indescribable, admittedly mixed with a little sheepishness for all the trouble just for a little bear, but we have him and he is waiting with us to meet you. So that's the story of Bear-Bear -- so you can laugh at it with us later on. (It is also the story of how you came to have UK made, eco-friendly disposable bibs and a special UK baby sea sponge.)
Soon after you enter the big world and come home with us, one of the first of your belongings that you'll get to see is Bear-Bear. He doesn't have a name yet because we wonder what you'll call him yourself -- and if unoriginal "Bear-Bear" happens to stick, so be it. He is squishy and huggable and we hope he'll be a little comfort to you sometimes. And does he have a story!
I first saw Bear-Bear (or at least one of his siblings) at Babies R Us when I was shopping for supplies to make a diaper cake for my dear friend's baby early this year. You were just a distant dream, of course, but I fell in love with Bear-Bear when I first picked him up. Pure, undyed cotton velour and no small parts to fall off or get banged up, a smushy sort of texture and the cutest little stitched-on smile, a plump belly and a "Hug Me" tag above his tail -- who wouldn't love him? I bought him for the diaper cake topper along with some matching accessories and vowed that one day I'd get one for my own baby.
We'd seen Bear-Bear a couple more times while at BRU to get gifts for others, so I knew he was still around. At your 18-week mark, your daddy and I had still not purchased a single baby-related item for you, but decided that it was time to start at least thinking about things and preparing. I decided I would finally allow myself to go out and get Bear-Bear. When we went to the store where we'd seen him just a couple of weeks prior, I was dismayed to find the shelf empty and the price tag turned red with a new lowered price. My heart sank as the cashier confirmed that he'd been put on clearance and there were no more left. It didn't occur to me to inquire then, but later I did call around all the BRUs in the whole area to see if any of them had any Bear-Bears left. No luck!
After all the calling, I turned to the internet. BRU of course had taken it off their site, but I was soon able to discover that Bear-Bear was from a UK-based company and was only distributed in the States via BRU. The UK site didn't seem to ship directly to consumers and I spent a while searching the web for a UK site that would. I finally succeeded in ordering Bear-Bear from a company that had him in stock and shipped to the States, added a couple more cheap items to the basket to make shipping a little more worthwhile, and enjoyed a triumphant feeling for a good week or so... until I received a notice that the company had unfortunately ran out of the bear, removed him from my order and went ahead and shipped the rest. :( What?!
The UK site got a slightly disgruntled note from your mommy, and the parent company got an inquiry to see if maybe, just maybe, they might send to individual consumers in the States... but the saga was not to end this way. We headed to BRU today to check out prices for some different items and just get some ideas. I was comparing specs on infant car seats and noting prices (I hope the Chicco Keyfit 30 will be agreeable to you, dear, because that's probably what we'll get) when your daddy walked excitedly up to me and pushed into my arms... a plump little Bear-Bear. They must have found some more of him in the back and put them back up on the shelf.
The delight I had to finally get Bear-Bear for you is truly indescribable, admittedly mixed with a little sheepishness for all the trouble just for a little bear, but we have him and he is waiting with us to meet you. So that's the story of Bear-Bear -- so you can laugh at it with us later on. (It is also the story of how you came to have UK made, eco-friendly disposable bibs and a special UK baby sea sponge.)
9.01.2009
Bad Habits Start In Utero
Oh, my precious baby girl. You have always been real, but you feel even more so now that I can call you a "she," refer to you as "her" and your room and few little things as "hers."
I was ridiculously proud of you yesterday at the doctor's, watching you move around, kick your little feet and thrash out your tiny fists while the technician confirmed that each of your major organs were present and nicely developing. You made your daddy laugh when we watched, amazed, as you began to suck your thumb. We could see your tiny lips moving and your other motions calmed for a bit. Your grandmother told me it must be genetic -- I sucked my own thumb until the shameful age of four and even then it took the peer pressure of kindergarten to make me stop completely! Hopefully you'll either be wiser than me, or less stubborn. ;) But I'll love you regardless!
21 more weeks until we'll get to meet you!
I was ridiculously proud of you yesterday at the doctor's, watching you move around, kick your little feet and thrash out your tiny fists while the technician confirmed that each of your major organs were present and nicely developing. You made your daddy laugh when we watched, amazed, as you began to suck your thumb. We could see your tiny lips moving and your other motions calmed for a bit. Your grandmother told me it must be genetic -- I sucked my own thumb until the shameful age of four and even then it took the peer pressure of kindergarten to make me stop completely! Hopefully you'll either be wiser than me, or less stubborn. ;) But I'll love you regardless!
21 more weeks until we'll get to meet you!
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