On Becoming a Mommy

Dear little girl,

I have to be honest with you. Sometimes -- a lot of times -- I feel that I will be woefully inept when it comes to parenting. Of course I have no experience with it thus far, so I can't reasonably expect to feel completely ready when I don't truly know what's ahead, and there's a first time for everyone. Still, when it comes to you, there are so many things that I fear.

My fears go beyond pushing you out into the world. As delivery inches closer, I do harbor a certain amount of apprehension (10 centimeters never seemed so huge in my life!) but I have much more towards the things that will unfold afterwards.

A father of three whose counsel I respect deeply told me two things that he had learned about parenting: 1) I must be able to release my own expectations of the type of person you will be and 2) I cannot protect you from everything.

I have so many hopes and dreams for you, little girl, and it's hard not to let them turn into subconscious expectations. It's hard not to think of who I am, and who your daddy is, and hope that you'll somehow embody our best traits. But I vow to love you for who you are, if you are lovable and when you are not. I want to help you learn and become the person God wants for you to be, even and especially if that is someone different than who I might naively expect you to be.

I will not be a perfect mommy, but I want to be one that has faith and humility to admit when I'm not. I want to be a mommy who tries her best to nurture and protect, but realizes when human capacity is reached and trusts God for things only He can control... and even for those things I think I can control.

Because of you, I want to be a better person.

Saw an old guy today
Staring long at a chess game
Looked like it was half-played
Then his tear splashed between
The bishop and the king...oh
He turned his face to mine
I saw the Question in his eyes
I shrugged him half a smile and walked away
It made me sad, and it made me think
And now it makes me sing what I believe

Heard a young girl sing a song
To her daughter in her pale arms
Walkin' through a rainstorm
“Because you're here my little girl
It's gonna be a better world'...oh
She turned her face to mine
I saw the Answer in her eyes
I shrugged her half a smile and walked away
It made me smile, and it made me think
And now it makes me sing what I believe

It was love that set our fragile planet rolling
Tilting at our perfect twenty-three
Molecules and men infused with holy
Finding our way around the galaxy
And Paradise has up and flown away for now
But hope still breathes and truth is always true
And just when we think it's almost over
Love has the final move
Love has the final move

Chris Rice - The Final Move