New Beginnings

Over a year has passed since I last posted. Within the time of silence, I’ve felt as if my world crumbled and it has taken me this long to get through the rubble and find a voice again. Even so, it’s a different voice than before -- because I don’t feel as if I will ever quite be the same person I was.

A few days after I wrote the last post on this blog, my dad passed away. My mom and I were both there, holding his hands in ours, an experience both excruciatingly painful and yet merciful as well. There isn’t a lot to say after losing a loved one too soon to cancer. It is very hard to think of a silver lining, except perhaps that, after all, death was kind because it was an end to horrible pain and suffering.

My view of life is a little different now. For a while, my daily struggle was just to keep going through the motions and trying to be cognizant of all the blessings that remain. A year later, it's gotten better, but sometimes I still can’t believe that things can pick up and move on. I find myself getting frustrated (at myself) for feeling bothered by trite material issues -- which happens often enough. But I’ve learned that there are good reasons to still enjoy life, even if wounds are still in the process of healing and coping mechanisms haven’t quite given way to solid new routines. J and I have made a series of transitions as they’ve seemed to make sense: selling our first beloved little townhouse, making the decision to live temporarily with my mom, who’s now alone, until our new home closes – fingers crossed – sometime this month. And then, there’s this:

U/S at about 9 weeks

Though I was overjoyed at the positive test, I shamefully thought I’d feel rather indifferent this time around about the procedures surrounding pregnancy.  The “brand new” anticipation and learning curve of the first-time experience aren’t there to lace each appointment with excitement. But, when I first saw that little bean thrashing in reaction to the ultrasound waves and heard its quick heartbeat, distinctly separate from my own, a switch flipped as I realized this tiny life embodies hope itself.

This baby is a gift just like our beautiful Kae -- now a whole and healthy two-and-a-half years old -- who brings us smiles and joy (tantrums too… but we’re focusing on the positives here) even on our saddest days. This baby is teaching me: there is always something to look forward to.

P.S. We’ve broken our own suspense, so I might as well share here that, according to a 17-week ultrasound, baby #2 is another precious little girl!! We are over-the-moon-excited and can’t wait to welcome her. We’re gonna have ourselves two little K’s – as in, Kaelyn and K____. This time around the name game was a lot easier. ;)